Who am I now? A process of elimination
This question hit me hard last week – who am I now my youngest child has started school? The novelty of the first couple of weeks of free days has worn thin so I dropped the children off and took myself for a walk by the river to contemplate my new situation. I can’t be a stay at home mother when, during the day, I have no children at home to mother. On returning home non-the-wiser I typed “mothers malaise” (always one for the melodrama) then stared at the otherwise blank screen. Little did I know but Laura was experiencing the same feelings. She offered dinner and wine which saved me from my time of reflection – what a pair: two ex professionals who have no idea who they are. Neither of us had real answers but decided the least we can do is write about it.
What do I know?
“Wife”, Mum”, “Woman in progress”, “Blogger “ (ha to the last one). Technically I am all of these things but none of them feels like the entire me. I’m a woman craving a title – I need a label, a definition, a role, to be a new noun.
A Process of Elimination
I don't have a proper job. The memory of city life lingers in my wardrobe in the form of shirts, dresses, suits and smart shoes but my pre-children career does not tempt me back. I can’t imagine the commute, the clients, the time recording, the hours and it wouldn't allow me to do the school drop off and pick up. I am no longer a lawyer.
The house is clean and tidy but it ought to be ship shape given the time I now have. I’m not driven enough to tick off my “sort the house” to do list. I am not a domestic goddess. Writing short pieces for the blog is fun and quenches my need to be creative. I am not a writer. I love to exercise, the way it makes me feel and the fact it keeps me sane. In reality this only lasts until the end of class at 10am then it's over, the kit goes in the wash and I’m thinking about what I can eat and should be doing next. I am not a fitness freak.
That leaves me with a list – a list of things I do, and to do, but nothing on the list says anything about who I am.
I’m a bit Lost
It’s not a title but a feeling; a state of existence and one that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The thing is I’m lost but free to choose – aka really fortunate. I’m lost and eager to find something new. I’m telling myself there are so many things I could do but what do I actually want to do. Aha, there it is - I don’t know what to do therefore don’t know who I am. So maybe the question that is causing me the problem isn't "who am I" but “what am I achieving?”. The answer: a big fat gym kit wearing nothing (at the moment).
Blogging is one of the things Laura and I are trying to be good at it. Achieving anything with it feels a way off but we're up for giving it a go ad enjoying the process. I’m not sure it’s the thing but for now we have a lot of fun doing it and the bonus is people who read it seem to like it. I’m thinking courses, study, trying new things and hopefully from this will emerge something I can do and achieve and with that, a label I can happily adopt. While I'm working it out and making it up I strangely feel more and more like the younger me who was also a bit lost. I'm probably driving Hugh round the bend what with a new ear piercing and increasingly ripped jeans!
Until further notice I willingly accept the title of “café table occupier” at one of my favourite places and will type away (at mainly pieces I half finish) and drink too much coffee until I put on my Mummy hat to collect my children from school.
I know I am Nicky; wife, mother, sister, friend, woman in progress and trying blogger but aside from that, I don’t really know.